The Grass is Always Greener, But Not in My Yard

Spring greening never ceases to amaze me. The grass is a sad shade of tan/yellow/olive all winter, and every April it springs back to life. As it turns to a lovely shade of deep green I think, “All right! The lawn’s greening up!” A few weeks later, “Hey, that grass is getting long out there.” Then, in early May, “Okay, where’s the dog?”

I have an idea that could solve our lawn mowing problems and provide us with delicious food at the same time: a grass-eating species of lobster. Think about it. None of the herding problems of cattle. Just a bunch of cute little crustaceans crawling in our yards, scaring away neighborhood children, living on nothing but grass and the occasional toe.

As we get out our mowers and give ourselves heart attacks trying to get them started, let’s practice good mower maintenance. Think of your mower as a very small car that you can’t drive anywhere, yet still requires upkeep. You know, like a Yugo. With proper care, it will give you years of use as you cut down and throw away the nice green grass you’ve worked so hard to attain.

First of all, sharpen the blades. My method is to turn the mower on its side, remove the mounting bolt with a wrench, and sharpen both blades with a medium-grade flat file. Then I fetch the first aid kit to treat my lacerations.

Scrape away accumulated grass from the underside. I always get large chunks of dark green matter that look suspiciously like my wife’s spinach casserole.

Finally, change the engine oil. Look for a drain plug; if there isn’t one, you will have to turn the mower upside down in order to drain the oil. Check the owner’s manual to see what kind of oil to refill with. Don’t ask me – I wouldn’t know motor oil from olive oil. It’s one of the reasons my wife doesn’t let me cook anymore.

Have a fantastic spring! May you enjoy a large tax refund and a deep green lawn. Maybe I’ll use my tax refund to buy Astroturf.