Don't Look Back

We’re all familiar with supernatural ideas: psychic readings, tarot, hypnosis, faith healing, religion, etc. There are also pseudoscientific theories about determining personality traits by studying physical characteristics such as one’s palms (palmistry), face (metoposcopy) or the shape of one’s head (phrenology). Well, there is now a similar practice called rumpology, which is like phrenology except it uses one’s ass. I swear I am not making this up. Google it and see for yourself. Rumpology - also known as butt reading - is the art of studying the lines, crevices, dimples and folds of the buttocks to determine a person’s character and get a glimpse of what lies ahead by analyzing what trails behind.

Imagine that - getting to know someone just by looking at or feeling their ass! For decades women have been slapping me with hands and restraining orders, when all I’ve been doing is getting to know them. I oughta call my third grade teacher and give her a piece of my mind.

I know it sounds ASSinine, BUTT rumpology might not be a complete scam. I mean, one may rightly ASSume that a person with a small, round, smooth posterior will enjoy many sex partners; whereas a lardass will appear on The View.

There are lots of foolish, desperate people who believe all sorts of crap, and plenty of charlatans willing to cash in on stupid people’s ignorance. Rumpology is no exception. For example, Sylvester Stallone’s mother Jacqueline is a prominent rumpologist. Her Web site is http://www.jacquelinestallone.com/rumps.html. You might think it foolish of me to promote her by giving you her Web site address, but no one reads this blog so it’s a moot point. Anyway, if you want you can send her a digital photo of your naked butt, along with $125 (she takes major credit cards and PayPal), and she will “read” your posterior and send you a glossy color print of your own ass, suitable for framing or bringing to your next job interview.

Some rumpologists do live readings where they actually touch people’s butts. Really. They feel people’s asses while telling them things they want to hear, kind of like I did in college.

I wonder what it takes to become a rumpologist. I mean, normally I pay to look at or feel naked butts. With a rumpology license I could do it whenever I want and get paid for it, all the while telling giant fibs. I’d be like a Congressman, except without the possibility of getting arrested.

If there’s one thing rumpology can teach us, it’s that there are people out there who will believe anything. ANYTHING. No matter how ridiculous your psychobabble is, someone will believe it. You can even get them to send you money and pictures of their anatomy, or drop their pants and let you feel them up. In a way I’m kind of glad that rumpology exists, because now ass grabbing under false pretenses is no longer confined to the priesthood.