Online Dating

So I’m doing this online dating thing. Now, I’m in no position to judge anyone, but some of these ads are, well, comical. Ladies, let me give you some advice. First off, that list of 43 attributes you're looking for in a man just makes you look like an impossible-to-please beeyotch. If you believe that anyone meets all those criteria, then I'll bet you also enjoy Hugh Grant movies. Also, if all of your photos are group shots, I can’t be sure which person is you.  I’m guessing you’re not the hot one.  Good move putting her next to you for contrast. Oh, and posting photos of your children on a site frequently visited by perverts is a super idea.  Nice job.

Men’s ads are equally bad, so I have some advice for you too. First of all, what on God’s green earth made you think that the shirtless photo of your fat / hairy / tattooed torso would do anything but make everyone gag?  Sorry, but being hairy and obese doesn’t make you a “teddy bear”. It makes you disgusting, okay?  Here’s a money-saving tip: a gym membership costs less than the 35 Big Macs you obviously eat every month. As for your statement that you like to snuggle, all I can say is, really?  Are you gay?  And finally, posting photos of your truck is sooooo classy. It lets us know that you have a lot to offer as a person. Not.

I wrote what I consider to be a good profile. See if you agree:

I am a unique individual. For example, I do the Riverdance whenever someone sneezes.

I once dated Betty White. Okay twice.

I drink a lot. I’ve heard that too much drinking can make you lose your memory. Even worse, you can lose your memory.

I’m under house arrest and am not allowed more than 10 miles from my home. Apparently driving through a mall is illegal in Maryland. Who knew?

I’m sure that none of these things will be a problem for you, especially since they pale in comparison to my midget fetish.

I get dressed all by myself!

I can digest many types of food.

I like who I am, which is fortunate since no one else does.

I have never been convicted of any crime, thanks to an assortment of towels and cleaning chemicals.

I recently earned my GED.

I have two children. At least until their parents come up with the ransom money.

It’s okay if you have children. I love children. They taste like chicken.

Anyway, I am very excited to meet you, since I've never had a date. I’ll introduce you to my dog, who will not bite you as long as you don’t wear plaid. We can also go to my community pool, but we’ll have to sneak in because I’m not technically allowed there due to an unfortunate incident involving five beers and a weak bladder.

I like ducks.