Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Best in Show

Dog shows are one of the more inane spectacles Man has designed. Animals are supposed to look a certain way, and to accomplish this, dogs are inbred in order to preserve a “pure” blood line. Many of history’s kings were produced from incestuous relations, the result being that a significant percentage of them had mental and/or physical problems. Well, the same happens with dogs. Purebreds are generally not as good-natured as mutts, and they sometimes suffer from maladies such as cherry eye, hip dysplasia, breathing problems or deafness. A lot of work goes into engineering these unwholesome animals, and a lot of money goes into buying them. Form over function. Money over disposition. Vanity over companionship.

A dog that looks a certain way but has no other redeeming qualities is, in my not-so-humble opinion, no more valuable than a short-tempered, anorexic fashion model. Which reminds me, have you seen the runway skeletons that supposedly represent beauty? If they ever breastfeed, they’ll give skim milk.

Mixed breeds tend to make better companions than purebreds. They have lower rates of physical and mental problems because the recessive genes that cause them are kept in check. Additionally, I think mutts are cuter.



Take my dog Bandit. He was a stray that I took into my home. He’s part German shepherd, part God-knows-what. To dog show bitches he is only a cur without “proper breeding”. To me, and to everyone else who has ever met him, he is a gorgeous, gentle, good-natured teddy bear. I’ve gotten many compliments on his beauty, but he’ll never win a dog show because he’s not “pure”. In fact, he wouldn’t even be allowed to enter a dog show because the snots who run these canine beauty pageants are too highbrow for the likes of him. He is a much better dog, in terms of personality, beauty and health, than show dogs are. He cannot be stuffed into a category because he has too many good traits from too many breeds, and this is precisely what makes him such a great animal.

It’s like beer. Yes, beer. I brew beer at home. There are periodic contests where homebrewers can enter their beers in any of several dozen styles. I rarely enter these contests because I don’t brew to style; I brew what I like. Many of my beers defy classification. For example, one of my beers is too malty to be a Pale Ale, too light to be a Scotch Ale, not hoppy enough to be an IPA, and too estery to be a Bock. My friends and I think it tastes great, but it cannot possibly win any beer category even if the judges enjoy the flavor better than that of all the other entries. So to hell with styles. I’ll enjoy my beer privately instead of having strangers critique it according to some arbitrary standard.

The same goes for dogs. If you own a mongrel, there’s a good chance that he/she makes a better companion than even the “perfect” show dog. Give me a mutt any day, and let the weirdos deal with dysfunctional canines from a shallow gene pool.

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