March Madness

March is my favorite month to watch sports, thanks to the NCAA championships. No, I’m not referring to basketball. I’m talking about wrestling. Normally you never see wrestling on television, unless you count WWE, which isn’t wrestling at all but people pretending to wrestle. Their bad acting fools no one except Jerry Springer fans and certain species of moose.

Basketball is on for about 9 months of the year on every major network and sports channel. Wrestling isn’t, and even when sports channels such as ESPN-U show wrestling it’s usually at 2:30 in the morning. But hey, I’ve got a VCR so I can’t complain. Now, for those of you who are younger than my underwear, a VCR is a device that records stuff on a substance called magnetic tape. It was popular in the 1980s when your parents were in college and thought Van Hagar was cool. The era was so devoid of talent that Eddie Murphy had a top 10 song.

But I digress. I record NCAA wrestling and other favorite shows on a VCR because I’m a dinosaur who has never learned how to operate a DVD recorder or a DVR or TiVo or a salad fork. Sure, the picture quality isn’t great, but at least I’m able to capture what I want to watch. If I were to attempt to use a DVR I’d accidentally record three hours of infomercials and end up buying a ShamWow.

I’ve digressed again. The NCAA Division I wrestling tournament is a three-day event where the best wrestlers in the nation compete for national titles in 10 weight classes. There is no college sport more intense. The strength and conditioning of these athletes is unmatched.

But most sports enthusiasts watch basketball instead. Not that there’s anything wrong with that sport. It can be fun to watch a bunch of thyroid cases throw a ball around. It’s fast action and there’s a lot of scoring, like pinball or craps. The only thing I don’t enjoy about basketball is the announcers. They tell you what just happened after every play, and fill the rest of the time with irrelevant facts and speculation.

Gus: “…and Zooma hits a layup.”
Bob: “That puts Dookie University 10 points behind.”
Gus: “Yes it does Bob, as indicated by the 73-63 score on the screen.”
Bob: “Monty Zooma is also an accomplished accordion player.”
Gus: “Fascinating, Bob.”
Bob: “Now that Cucamonga is ahead by 10, what should Dookie’s strategy be right now?”
Gus: “Well, Bob, you see that hoop down there?”
Bob: “You mean the one with the net hanging from it?”
Gus: “Uh huh. I think Dookie’s strategy should be to put the ball through it as many times as possible.”
Bob: “Great strategy! I never would have thought of that.”
Gus: “That’s why everyone makes fun of you, Bob.”
Bob: “Here come the Duckbills. Vic Trolla takes the ball, shoots from outside the 3-point line, and misses. You know, if he had made that shot, he would have cut the Cucumbers’ lead to 7.”
Gus: “Nothing gets by you, Bob. It’s a wonder you haven’t found out that I’ve been banging your wife.”
Bob: “What?”