Got Gas?

It’s time once again to fret about gas prices. This is a long-standing American tradition, right up there with reality shows and obesity.

Every few years when gas prices spike, people like to blame whoever happens to be president at the time. For example, in 2008, Democrats blamed Dubya. Now Republicans are blaming Obama. Forget the rising demand in India and China and the ever-increasing difficulty of squeezing the last remaining drops out of oil wells; the president is always to blame! That is, if he happens to represent a political party other than your own. This is a normal part of being an average ignorant adult who needs a scapegoat. For example, parents of overweight children like to blame McDonalds or the School Lunch Program, instead of perhaps maybe -- just maybe -- packing their kids a nutritious lunch and not feeding them mac-n-cheese while they sit around watching Nickelodeon.

Let me guess: you’re not gonna do anything to curb your gas consumption. You will continue to take trips to the beach and pick your kids up from school (because God forbid they should ride the bus) and go on weekend getaways and commute long distances to work, all the while complaining about having to pay so much at the pump. Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you complain the next time you order a nine-dollar martini?

Anyway, I came up with a solution to the gas price problem: sell your car and take public transportation. Yeah, I know, you’re not gonna do that, because this is America, and one thing that defines us as Americans is that we are selfish, impatient, wasteful consumers who drive the biggest gas-guzzlers we can afford so we can drive our kids to soccer practice and ride to work alone. Even “environmentalists” burn gas and pollute the air as they drive to rallies, and frankly the rest of us are sick and tired of their hypocrisy. If you really want to do your part, go live in the woods and eat berries. But you know what?  It won’t make a bit of difference because the rest of us will continue to air condition our homes and run our lawnmowers, and we’ll honk and laugh as we drive by you on our way to the mall.

So, what am I doing about the gas situation?  Nothing. Not a damn thing. I can easily afford to pay $50 each time I fill my gas tank because I save money in other areas by not buying wasteful items such as new clothing, texting plans, HBO, gym memberships, lawn fertilizer, booze, movie tickets, fancy dinners, deodorant or soap. I’m kidding! I buy lots of booze!