Getting to Know You

You know those “get-to-know-you” E-mails that circulate, where you answer questions for the purpose of revealing personal information to people you’ve never met? Well, here is one such survey and my answers.

If you could eat lunch with a famous person, who would it be?
I don’t think being famous makes anyone cool, but if I had to choose someone, it would be whoever would pick up the check.


What are your favorite TV shows?
No contest: Simpsons, South Park, and Family Guy. Also Married With Children, which was cancelled several years back so that we can now have wonderful programming like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and American Idol, which just goes to prove that this nation is full of miscreants.


What would you hate being left in a room with?
Anyone who smokes. A case of warm Budweiser. Linda Tripp.


Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
No, but I can touch my wife’s nose with my tongue.


Where do you prefer to live: beach, city, or country?
Country, preferably the USA.


What is your favorite color?
Clear. No, plaid.


What is your favorite sandwich filling?
Depends on what I’m hungry for. Could be turkey/lettuce/onion/mayo. Could be peanut butter and jelly. Hey, I’m unpredictabpwru3ff8ij2;fd


What characteristic do you most despise?
Intolerant people. I can’t stand them.


Can you juggle? If so, how many?
Well, I juggle my work, family and hobbies, so three.


What’s your favorite day of the week?
Whichever day I’m drinking.


Red or white wine?
Red. Manischewitz is red.


Do you carry a donor card?
Why? Are you looking for a kidney or something?


If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
I don’t know. I’m not schizophrenic enough to know myself as another person.


Do looks matter?
Only in a sex partner. Hey, I’m a guy, okay? And don’t you women tell me that you’d have sex with a guy no matter how fat or ugly he is!


Where is your second home?
Second home?!?! I can barely afford my first one!


Do you have a journal?
I used to. I have a life now.


Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Like it frickin’ matters. Um, I guess yes.


White meat or dark meat?
Are we talking chicken or women?


Do you think you are strong?
Yes I do. But odor isn't everything.


What’s your shoe size?
11 narrow. Like my mind.


Do you prefer red or pink?
Pink. Red means it’s infected.


What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
I’m too perfect. (Hey, plenty of people have told me I’m a perfect
asshole.)


What color pants are you wearing?
Pants?


What is one thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Their ass. (I’m a guy, remember?)


Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings. For example, ending up naked.


Summer or winter?
Summer. (Beer and bikinis.)


Hugs or kisses?
Doesn’t matter, as long as I end up getting laid.


What’s on your mouse pad?
Crumbs.


What is in your trunk right now?
My ex-wife.