John Kerry’s Purple Heart Application

Government Form SF-1903, Application for Purple Heart, as filled out by John F. Kerry:


1. I was injured with (check one):

_ knitting needle
_ thumbtack
_ stapler
_ Q-tip
_ Tampon


2. The wound was inflicted by (check one):

_ Viet Cong
_ myself
_ a killer rabbit
_ a Botox injection
_ my millionaire ex-wife


3. Body parts injured (check all that apply):

_ ego
_ pinkie
_ pinkie toe
_ brain’s truth center
_ hair


4. I can prove that I was wounded by:

_ releasing my medical records
_ producing pictures of my wound(s)
_ giving you my word


5. Witnesses to the incident:

_ Al Gore
_ Jimmy Hoffa
_ Winksie, my imaginary friend
_ Pinocchio
_ Bill Clinton


6. Long-term effects of my injury:

_ I missed a lot of Senate committee meetings
_ I need Botox in order to appear at least remotely human
_ I won a Herman Munster look-alike contest
_ I cannot keep the same position on an issue for longer than
one episode of Who Wants to Marry a Heinz Millionaire?
_ I am now a lying, power-hungry scumbag


7. What I plan to do with my Purple Heart:

_ throw it away
_ use it to pick up chicks
_ tell everyone it entitles me to call my Navy buddies baby killers