Saturday, December 16, 2006

Serenity Always

I did something recently that I thought I’d never have to do – I bought adult diapers. No, not for me. Not for any of my friends or relatives. Ladies and gentlemen, I bought adult diapers for ... my dog.

My beloved 13-year-old pet has cancer. For some reason this particular type of cancer has caused his blood levels of calcium to shoot way up, which in turn has caused bladder and urethra stones. It is the urethra stones that have made him lose continence.

Now before you start feeling sorry for him, you should know that he still enjoys a nice quality of life. I take him for walks; he has plenty of food, shelter and companionship; and he is not in any pain. In fact, I’m the one you should feel sorry for after what I recently paid in veterinary bills.

I wanted to get my canine companion the highest quality incontinence product that money can buy, so I went straight to Walmart. Yessir, when you want the highest quality adult diaper available – and you refuse to pay more than nine dollars for a pack of 30 – then you can’t beat Walmart. And when you want to feel good about your own life, there’s no better place to go than Walmart. Every time I shop there I play a little game I call “I’m glad I’m not that person.” I haven’t seen such a barely functional bunch since the last congressional election.

There are a few adjustments to be made to each diaper so it’ll fit on my dog. For one thing, I have to cut a hole for his tail. For another, the two stretchy bands that constitute the “belt” have to be duct taped together over his back to keep the diaper on. The first time I put one on him he looked at me as if to say, “This is the most degrading thing that has ever happened to me.” And this is an animal that sniffs other dogs’ butts.

I’m happy to say that these diapers work. They catch my dog’s “flow” and absorb it nicely. Now he can finally walk around feeling confident. Actually it is I who feels confident – confident that I don’t have to keep fetching the mop. I’m also looking forward to all the new activities he’ll be doing, because it says on the package that he'll be able to play sports and ride a bike.