Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holiday Letters

What is it about the holiday season that makes people want to send everyone they have ever met a summary letter of what they did that year?  Are they so guilty about ignoring everyone outside of their own family that they feel the need to compensate us with a recap of events that we couldn't care less about?

The typical holiday letter usually goes something like this:

Hello all! Life has been simply wonderful out here in East Buttwipe. Jacob made us very proud by scoring 1758 on the SAT. Not bad when you consider that he's nine. Emily's apple pie won third place at the state fair even though two of the judges got sick. Fred's job keeps him very busy; apparently there are a lot of escalators that need repair. Our dog Ginger thwarted a burglar by biting him on the leg. Turns out it was the UPS man, but we appreciate her vigilance. On a sad note, Fluffy, our cat, met her demise when she chewed through the dryer's power cord. The ensuing fire did only minor damage, mostly to Fluffy.

That's not the worst thing that gets sent around the holidays. The most dreaded thing I get - other than fruitcake - is photos of people's kids. And that's all they send. No letter recapping their year. Just an obligatory photo of two or three children who I might have met once but wouldn't recognize if I saw their images on a milk carton. Why no letter?  I suppose because no one wants to hear about their marginal grades or all the time they spent in detention. Well, do us a favor, folks: keep the photos to yourself. Wallpaper your living room with them if you're so proud of them, but don't clog our mailboxes with them. How would you like it if I sent you a photo of my dog?  Actually I'd be doing you a favor because he's WAY cuter than your kids are. I'm sorry, but he is. They might grow up to be beautiful, but right now they're rambunctious little trolls who are the very reason that you have no time to spend with us and consequently feel compelled to mail us stuff.