Saturday, December 12, 2009

Write Your Congressman

If you have a political gripe, many people will urge you to “write your congressman”. This is sheer lunacy, given that politicians – and I say this with all due respect – are worthless piles of doody. Your congressman never even reads your letters; he’s too busy taking bribes and having sex with his secretary to waste his precious time attending to your insignificant little problem. If anyone at all reads your letter before it goes into the paper shredder, it will be a lowly minimum-wage intern or perhaps a janitor who is looking for entertainment while on break. Then you might receive a very reassuring form letter such as:

Thank you for expressing your concern about this pressing issue. I can assure you that my staff and I are working on it right now. You, the voter-taxpayer, are extremely important to me, the votee-taxpayee, and I make it my responsibility to work in your best interests even though I don’t have to. I dedicate my life to helping people. For instance, last month I spent two grueling weeks working on an important political matter in Honolulu with my two assistants, Trixie and Bubbles. I thrust my energies into the situation and we all came together to reach a satisfying resolution.

With any luck, I will have your problem solved sometime after the next election. Please be sure to tell all of your voting friends what a caring, sincere person I am.

I know what you’re thinking: “How can you be so cynical, Ben? This is America! We have a wonderful political system in place, and our politicians actually care about us! Shame on you for casting doubt on the integrity of our elected officials!”

You’re absolutely right. I have no business doubting that my representatives care about me unless I can prove otherwise. That is why last month I wrote to the following representatives about an issue that is important to me:

First District of Maryland Congressman Frank Kratovil
Maryland Senator Benjamin Cardin
Maryland Senator Barbara Mikulski

After four weeks of hearing nothing from any of them, imagine my surprise when I received the following letter just a few days ago:

Thank you for contacting my office to share your thoughts with me. As your Representative, I am guided by the perspectives of my constituents and our common goals of restoring fiscal responsibility to our federal government, revitalizing our economy, protecting the Chesapeake Bay and preserving the agricultural heritage of our communities.

I always appreciate hearing from constituents like you who are interested in discussing the important issues affecting Maryland and the nation. My job as your representative is to fight for the for [sic] policies and resources that will best help the residents of the First District, to help connect you with federal agencies when needed, and to answer your questions and comments regarding issues before Congress. I will keep your thoughts in mind as any legislation or proposals are considered in Committee or by the full House of Representatives. It is an honor to serve active citizens like you in Congress.

Please do not hesitate to contact me again in the future regarding issues that concern you. I believe that continuous communication with the residents of the First District is essential to helping me be an effective advocate for you in Congress. To stay informed, please visit my website at .

Thank you again for contacting me and I look forward to hearing from you.


Frank M. Kratovil, Jr.
Member of Congress

Well, that changes everything! A full 33% of the representatives I contacted responded to me! The fact that he did not even mention the particular issue I wrote about, or what he plans to do about it, in no way detracts from the fact that he cares! It doesn’t matter that he didn’t actually sign the computer-generated letter, or that a search of his website for my issue came up with 0 hits; he appreciates and looks forward to hearing from me! How do I know? Because the letter said so!

You see? Our political system works! Let’s not denounce all politicians just because 97% of them are lying vermin. We can depend on our elected officials, despite the 38,000 articles we read every year about their stealing money and committing adultery.

Thank you, Mr. Kratovil, for “keeping my thoughts in mind” as you sit on the commode of politics and squeeze out dookies of justice.